I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
