No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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