By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
my phone needs a breathalizer
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
