Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
