dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I will die if light touches me.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
