turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
