I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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