She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
