Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
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