The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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