i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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