DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
