i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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