break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
