Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
no you cant smoke seaweed
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
