Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize