I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
