The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
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