i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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