I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I miss vodka workout Fridays
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
