Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
