I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
