i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I'm passing your future prison.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
