is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
