my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
4 words: hood of his car
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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