this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
