Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize