I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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