I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
