Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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