What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize