im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Found the puke drawer
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
The power of my boobs compel you
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
