Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
