my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
