I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
