I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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