i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
