my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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