Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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