We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
