If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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