I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
