Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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