I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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