You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
