I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
