My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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