He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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