So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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