the condom got lost in my hair
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Two words: nipple clamps
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