hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
