Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize