I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
