I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
we're making bets on your personal life
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize