So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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