All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
