Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
