i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
