wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
