Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
