Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
