cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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