Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
