i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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