he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
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