get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
