I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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