My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Let's get the cat blown out
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
